Castle's Foundation
This was actually a journal we wrote one morning in response to Henry David Thoreau's quote, "If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them." I had started as a typical journal complaining how my students have their castles in the air, but yet they do nothing to build under it. I try to encourage them that they can achieven their dreams, but it takes work. Success rarely falls into anyone's lap.
With this poem, I tried to stick with the saying, "less is more." I wanted to get the point across without beating it into the reader. I wanted to use as few words as possible and for it to still have an impact on the audience.
Within
This is a poem I have wanted to write for several months now. I wanted to capture my pregnancy and be able to help my husband feel what I feel. Again, in this piece I struggled with being to verbose. I feel with a lot of poetry, less is more. I really had to force myself to stick with this motto. Descriptive language has always been one of my strengths, but I have trouble making it flow. Being at the Botanical Gardens when I wrote this really helped put me in a pensive mood.
Flatulent Free?
This short story (possibly a chapter out of a future novel maybe?) was actually generated from a demonstration presented by Laurie. She gave us a picture of six family members packed in a car. Although everyone in the picture was smiling, I didn't view it as everyone having a great time crammed like sardines in the car. I guess I have been on too many family vacations to know better. Their smiles looked tense to me, like someone had just let one rip, hence the story. The subject of flatulence has always been funny to me and it is actually a topic of many lengthy discussions between my husband and me. I wanted to show through the story the progression of how children often feel or think one way about a subject and by the time they reach adulthood their opinion changes completely. A great deal of time was spent again using descriptive language and wanting readers to actually be able to smell the story. :-)
Conference Proposal - Professional Piece
In my proposal, I struggled with being descriptive enough and including enough information so that readers would know exactly what to expect if they were to attend my demonstration. I tried to be as concisley informative as possible. Dawn and Rebecca's journals were especially helpful with this piece.
Part II Process of Revision
Castle's Foundation - Poem
Mike Rush commented that my abbreviation of the word "because - b/c" detracted from the formality of the piece. I had not even realized I left the abbreviation in there. I am glad he pointed that out. I was going to take part of the beginning out, (part of my journaling) and he supported my idea to start with the third sentence.
Nicole W. also gave me a great suggestion for the title which I used instead of being too repititious with "building foundations." Repetition is effective, but I felt with that being in the title too, it was overkill.
Within - Poem
I wanted to make sure this piece was descriptive enough as far as touch and feel that my husband could feel what I was going through. Practicing with the "less is more" phrase, I really struggled with trying not to over use words and keeping it simple. I also wanted to use the structure or arrangement of the poem to help create the feeling which is why some lines are shorter than others. NWP's Deana felt that it detracted from the piece, but she did suggest deleting a repeated image. When I took her suggestion, it really helped the flow of the piece. UWP's Angie N. also recommended adding a descriptive word to better visualize the tapping.
Flatulent Free? - short story
I revised this piece four times before posting it to the E-Anthology. I spent a great deal of time working on the images, dialogue and trying to figure out what direction I wanted the story to take. Originally, it was going to be about a family vacation, but it took on a life of its own with the flatulence. Once I knew what direction the story was taking, I then struggled with the conclusion of the piece and the transitioning back and forth from present to past. I had a great deal of help from other NWP members regarding content and transition. Jennifer suggested that I take out a reference to Chevy Chase family vacation because it did seem to take the story in a different direction. Breah and Rebecca suggested to take out the line about the college dorm, which I did because it was just not needed. Becky mentioned to delete the character's age to help the story reach all ages. I never thought of that, but when I took out the age, it did seem to encompass a wider audience. Nicole and Barb helped me smooth out the transition between past and present. Nicole's suggestion was to start off in the elevator since that is where I ended and it helps the story make a full circle, while flashing back to childhood memories in the middle. I also think that by doing that it better captures the reader's attention.
Conference Proposal - Professional Piece
With my conference proposal, I took Dawn's advice and added more detail to my abstract. Rebecca and Brian S. gave several suggestions on my abstract with wording and detail. I then took that structure and fleshed out more of the details regarding my demonstration.
Part III Learning from your Classmates
Learning from other teachers in this program helped me immensely in my own writing. I love Angie Neal's style and voice. Her imagery and voice amplify the message in her writing. She uses just the right amount of words, never too many, never too few. Her subject matter strikes a chord within me and I relate to much of what she writes. I have been very conscious of trying not to be too verbose and stick to the phrase "less is more."
Nicole Walgate's description in her writing actually places me in the story. I felt as though I was on the lake with her when their canoe tipped over. I really enjoyed her story "How to Become a Dog Bowl." She writes very well to a young audience. This is something I need to get better at especially with a child on the way. :-) Again her description is vivid and I really enjoy her knack for a solid conclusion. Conclusions are an aspect of writing in which I really struggle. When should I end it? Does it lead the reader to ponder an idea or does it just leave him/her hanging and not feeling fulfilled. Nicole does an excellent job of leaving the reader fulfilled.
I really enjoy reading Natalia Simmons' writing. Her style is one that I have trouble defining, yet find it easy to envy. Her words flow like a river off the page. She looks at people and situations from a different point of view that I do not think about capturing with the written word. I enjoy her evasive message. By that, I mean that she doesn't come right out and say what she wants the reader to understand, but upon a close inspection her message stares the reader in the face saying, "Why couldn't you find me the first time through?" I will continue to work on not spelling everything out for the reader, but by being descriptive with the situation and/or people.
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